Adulting

My adult life has been hard
No one prepared me for this shit
Most people start their adult lives at 18. Mine started at 17
I was in high school working a full time job at a ratchet as fast food restaurant
I was homeless four months before I was able to find a place of my own.
That’s how I seen it
I rented a room to an older couple
Living in my car taught me a lot
It’s something I hope I never have to do again
Living in that room made me feel alive
Like I was actually doing something
Like I was not another statistic
And then shit went sideways
I lived in that room with my boyfriend
My boyfriend was an asshole
He fucked so many other girls
And then came home to sleep on my bed
When I left him he decided to become abusive
The first night it happened was frightening
He pushed me into a wall and then it’s all a blur.
I remember trying to runaway.
I did my best to jump out the window. He just pulled me back in.
I’ll never forget what he said to me. I screamed for help and he replies, “you think anyone’s gonna help you?”
Something in me died that day
And then it kept happening
I tried to leave until he started threatening me. He refused to let me be free
I was his, he said.
Anything, everything i did wrong had a consequence and I knew it
So I ran away
From that point forward I just ran away
My whole adult life has been me escaping him
Running from him
I’ve consumed so many drugs in such a short period of time
I hooked up with so many different people male and female
My life was a mess
I was a mess
There’s always a reminder
I had a miscarriage when I was 17
It was his
He never left my side
I’ll always remember this
I was a victim of domestic violence and I hardly ever talk about it
So far I’ve been homeless, abused, used, confused, and on drugs
All by 18 years old
At 19 nothing changed
Drugs were my go to
Sex was always a call away
I don’t know where I went wrong
I don’t know where I let it all fall
There it goes again I
I didn’t do anything wrong
I am not to blame
But I still do it
I runaway
I always runaway
I don’t know why I still do it
I guess part of me still feels the need to escape him
I got tired of sleeping around, so I settled down
It made me feel better about what I had done. Like it was a clean slate.
As if being a sexual being was something to be ashamed of
And then I ended up married
At 20 I ran away some more
Hundreds of Miles away from home now
Living a married life now
My life still a mess
Minus the drugs and different men
And then one day I almost die
And I almost met my maker
But I didn’t
There I was with a swelled brain and no mobility
Learning to walk again was hard but I did it fast
This thought never leaves my mind
I gotta be better
I gotta do better
I have to be somebody
Anybody
I can’t be another stereotype
I refuse to be another statistic
Something that died when I became a victim was reborn when I almost lost it all
My life is not a mess anymore
But I am still a mess
Minus the drugs and strangers
Sort of
I’m married now
So my life is different
I am still trying to figure this all out
It’s not easy
I’m always alone
So I remain trapped in my thoughts
I remain stuck in the past
But I’ll figure it out
I have to be somebody
21 has to be better right?
I don’t know why I believe I need to be something, somebody
I assume it’s the abused side of me
I just need to be me
I know that
Whoever me is is okay
Except it’s not
Not in my head
It’s always my fault
I’m always doing something wrong
Why?
Life can’t be this hard for one individual
The universe can’t always be against me
So here I am still
Married, confused, used, abused, alone and forgotten.
It was supposed to be a clean slate
A redo
Instead it feels like a job
Instead I feel alone
Instead I feel incomplete
Instead I am what I think I’m supposed to be and I am not who I want to be
Adulting is hard
When does it get better?
I assume soon
I feel alive again
I’m not whole but I’ll get there
I’m still alone but I like solitude
There’s something peaceful about silence
There’s something peaceful about knowing you’re going to be okay
No one prepared me for this shit man
I never thought this would be my life
I never imagined this is who I’d be
I’m an emotional, disturbed individual with some serious issues but aren’t we all?

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Balance

Good things are supposed to happen to good people
Or so we’re told
Or so I believed
Bad things happen to bad people
But that’s not true
Shit just happens.
Sometimes it feels like the universe is against me
Sometimes it feels like I’m all alone
But that’s not a logical thought
That’s an emotion
Logically speaking
The universe can’t be against one single individual
Just like a person cannot be alone in a world where over 7 billion people exist
But shit happens
So I feel alone
And I feel sad
Today was supposed to be a good day
I got great news
Life changing news
And on 4/20 to make it that much better
Except I don’t feel happy
Instead I feel tired, sad, neglected, rejected, angry, confused, hurt, lost
But I’ve learned to deal with all these emotions by now
My life consists of bad things and occasionally some good things
Maybe I’m seeing the glass half empty right now
Maybe I’m finally seeing the truth
Whatever the correct answer is
Shit happens
& life goes on
And bad things will continue to happen to good people
And good things will continue to happen to bad people
This way the universe is in balance
This way life makes sense
Or so we’re told
Or so I believe
We all need something to believe in
Right?

Suicidal thoughts

Sometimes I just want to give up
Just throw it in the towel and call it a day
I’m not a suicidal person
I would never take my own life
But I think about death a lot
Often I wonder what life would be without me
How my parents would go about their days with a constant void of missing a child
How my sister would feel about her baby sister leaving
How my husband would go about his life without the person he shares it with
How my friends would feel without me in it
Except I’m already not a part of anyone’s life but my husband
Life goes on
So I go back to my regular life
With my regular thoughts
Until I get sad again
Or in my case
Until I’m alone in thought
Sometimes I think about how great I would feel in eternal peace
I’m a religious person, so I believe in heaven and hell
I don’t believe I’ll be chilling with god up in the clouds once I’m gone
But I believe in something similar
I want to believe after life there’s eternal life
That I’ll be living my personal heaven with everything I’ve ever desired and then some
But I also believe in reincarnation
So I’ll probably come back a giraffe or something
We all need something to believe in I’ve learned
Still doesn’t stop the sadness within me
I still question everything everyday
I still wonder what it’ll be like if I never existed
I mean I almost didn’t
My mom didn’t want me
She had to keep me
She tried to abort me but she couldn’t
Her pregnancy was too far along when she found out she was having me
I never noticed how much all of this affected me
Maybe I’m just too sensitive
Maybe I just have a fucked up life
Or maybe I really am suicidal
I’m just not selfish
So I’d never take my life
I should’ve died in my accident
DUI manslaughter would have paid out real nice
I shouldn’t be here
I should be chillin as a giraffe
Or up in the clouds with god
I think life is a precious gift from above
My life is just really hard all the time
I break because of something tragic
I pick up the pieces and then something tragic happens again
Here I go again picking up pieces
I don’t want to break anymore
I want to be whole for once in my life
I want to stop thinking that this world would be better off without me in it