Adulting

My adult life has been hard
No one prepared me for this shit
Most people start their adult lives at 18. Mine started at 17
I was in high school working a full time job at a ratchet as fast food restaurant
I was homeless four months before I was able to find a place of my own.
That’s how I seen it
I rented a room to an older couple
Living in my car taught me a lot
It’s something I hope I never have to do again
Living in that room made me feel alive
Like I was actually doing something
Like I was not another statistic
And then shit went sideways
I lived in that room with my boyfriend
My boyfriend was an asshole
He fucked so many other girls
And then came home to sleep on my bed
When I left him he decided to become abusive
The first night it happened was frightening
He pushed me into a wall and then it’s all a blur.
I remember trying to runaway.
I did my best to jump out the window. He just pulled me back in.
I’ll never forget what he said to me. I screamed for help and he replies, “you think anyone’s gonna help you?”
Something in me died that day
And then it kept happening
I tried to leave until he started threatening me. He refused to let me be free
I was his, he said.
Anything, everything i did wrong had a consequence and I knew it
So I ran away
From that point forward I just ran away
My whole adult life has been me escaping him
Running from him
I’ve consumed so many drugs in such a short period of time
I hooked up with so many different people male and female
My life was a mess
I was a mess
There’s always a reminder
I had a miscarriage when I was 17
It was his
He never left my side
I’ll always remember this
I was a victim of domestic violence and I hardly ever talk about it
So far I’ve been homeless, abused, used, confused, and on drugs
All by 18 years old
At 19 nothing changed
Drugs were my go to
Sex was always a call away
I don’t know where I went wrong
I don’t know where I let it all fall
There it goes again I
I didn’t do anything wrong
I am not to blame
But I still do it
I runaway
I always runaway
I don’t know why I still do it
I guess part of me still feels the need to escape him
I got tired of sleeping around, so I settled down
It made me feel better about what I had done. Like it was a clean slate.
As if being a sexual being was something to be ashamed of
And then I ended up married
At 20 I ran away some more
Hundreds of Miles away from home now
Living a married life now
My life still a mess
Minus the drugs and different men
And then one day I almost die
And I almost met my maker
But I didn’t
There I was with a swelled brain and no mobility
Learning to walk again was hard but I did it fast
This thought never leaves my mind
I gotta be better
I gotta do better
I have to be somebody
Anybody
I can’t be another stereotype
I refuse to be another statistic
Something that died when I became a victim was reborn when I almost lost it all
My life is not a mess anymore
But I am still a mess
Minus the drugs and strangers
Sort of
I’m married now
So my life is different
I am still trying to figure this all out
It’s not easy
I’m always alone
So I remain trapped in my thoughts
I remain stuck in the past
But I’ll figure it out
I have to be somebody
21 has to be better right?
I don’t know why I believe I need to be something, somebody
I assume it’s the abused side of me
I just need to be me
I know that
Whoever me is is okay
Except it’s not
Not in my head
It’s always my fault
I’m always doing something wrong
Why?
Life can’t be this hard for one individual
The universe can’t always be against me
So here I am still
Married, confused, used, abused, alone and forgotten.
It was supposed to be a clean slate
A redo
Instead it feels like a job
Instead I feel alone
Instead I feel incomplete
Instead I am what I think I’m supposed to be and I am not who I want to be
Adulting is hard
When does it get better?
I assume soon
I feel alive again
I’m not whole but I’ll get there
I’m still alone but I like solitude
There’s something peaceful about silence
There’s something peaceful about knowing you’re going to be okay
No one prepared me for this shit man
I never thought this would be my life
I never imagined this is who I’d be
I’m an emotional, disturbed individual with some serious issues but aren’t we all?

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Sunshine

Happiness, family, love, strength, God, health.
I’ve found ways to attract people with the same core values into my life.
Not all people can do that
I am a reflection of my loved ones
I am a reflection of my mother
My father
My sister
My brother
My husband
My best friend
My close friends
Everyone in between
I am a reflection of everyone I encounter
I am kind
I am strong
I am loving
I am nurturing
I am humble
I’m also cruel
I am rude
I am heartless
I am selfish
I am obsessive
I am narcissistic
I am the sadness in my heart
I am the happiness in my heart
I am the intelligence in my mind
I am everything I want
I am everything I need
Everything i desire to be
I am a reflection of god
I am a reflection of what is pure and good
But I am also a reflection of what is evil
Energy is important in our lives
Some people say seeing is believing
I cannot see a lot of what I feel so I don’t stand for that
You have to stand for something
Or you’ll fall for anything
I’m a warrior
Like my ancestors
I am everything
Good or bad I am me
Young & naive I am still me
Old & wise I will still be me
I stand for my core values
My core values make me, me
The energy in my life is bright
The energy in my life is what I make it
I am a reflection of you
Are you a reflection of me?