Woman

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
I repeat this every day
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
There’s another saying, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers
Maybe I don’t want to be a soldier
Why do I always have to be strong?
Why am I constantly reminded that being strong isn’t a choice?
Isn’t it?
Can I choose to be weak today?
Can I choose to feel my emotions?
I feel as a woman I’m expected to be fragile
A beautiful fragile creature
Except I don’t give a fuck about people’s expectations
I’m a strong independent woman and I’m proud of that
I can hold myself down
I don’t need anybody
Except when I do
Except when I am a fragile creature
I don’t fall into one category you see
I am one with my soul
I am one with my mind
I am one with my body
Sometimes I’m fragile
Other times I’m strong
I can be more than just these two things
I am more than just two things
I am beautiful
Just as I am masculine at times
I am kind hearted
Just as I am a bitch
I am selfish
Just as I am humble
I am more than just two things
I am everything
I am anything
I think god really does give his battles to his strongest soldiers
Mainly because I need something to keep me going
I need something to look forward to
I need something to believe in
We all need something to believe in
I am woman
I can carry life within me
I carry light through me
But I’m more than just a woman
I am an individual being
I am everything
I am anything
So I can do anything
I am one with my mind, body, and soul
I am everything

Sunshine

Happiness, family, love, strength, God, health.
I’ve found ways to attract people with the same core values into my life.
Not all people can do that
I am a reflection of my loved ones
I am a reflection of my mother
My father
My sister
My brother
My husband
My best friend
My close friends
Everyone in between
I am a reflection of everyone I encounter
I am kind
I am strong
I am loving
I am nurturing
I am humble
I’m also cruel
I am rude
I am heartless
I am selfish
I am obsessive
I am narcissistic
I am the sadness in my heart
I am the happiness in my heart
I am the intelligence in my mind
I am everything I want
I am everything I need
Everything i desire to be
I am a reflection of god
I am a reflection of what is pure and good
But I am also a reflection of what is evil
Energy is important in our lives
Some people say seeing is believing
I cannot see a lot of what I feel so I don’t stand for that
You have to stand for something
Or you’ll fall for anything
I’m a warrior
Like my ancestors
I am everything
Good or bad I am me
Young & naive I am still me
Old & wise I will still be me
I stand for my core values
My core values make me, me
The energy in my life is bright
The energy in my life is what I make it
I am a reflection of you
Are you a reflection of me?

Suicidal thoughts

Sometimes I just want to give up
Just throw it in the towel and call it a day
I’m not a suicidal person
I would never take my own life
But I think about death a lot
Often I wonder what life would be without me
How my parents would go about their days with a constant void of missing a child
How my sister would feel about her baby sister leaving
How my husband would go about his life without the person he shares it with
How my friends would feel without me in it
Except I’m already not a part of anyone’s life but my husband
Life goes on
So I go back to my regular life
With my regular thoughts
Until I get sad again
Or in my case
Until I’m alone in thought
Sometimes I think about how great I would feel in eternal peace
I’m a religious person, so I believe in heaven and hell
I don’t believe I’ll be chilling with god up in the clouds once I’m gone
But I believe in something similar
I want to believe after life there’s eternal life
That I’ll be living my personal heaven with everything I’ve ever desired and then some
But I also believe in reincarnation
So I’ll probably come back a giraffe or something
We all need something to believe in I’ve learned
Still doesn’t stop the sadness within me
I still question everything everyday
I still wonder what it’ll be like if I never existed
I mean I almost didn’t
My mom didn’t want me
She had to keep me
She tried to abort me but she couldn’t
Her pregnancy was too far along when she found out she was having me
I never noticed how much all of this affected me
Maybe I’m just too sensitive
Maybe I just have a fucked up life
Or maybe I really am suicidal
I’m just not selfish
So I’d never take my life
I should’ve died in my accident
DUI manslaughter would have paid out real nice
I shouldn’t be here
I should be chillin as a giraffe
Or up in the clouds with god
I think life is a precious gift from above
My life is just really hard all the time
I break because of something tragic
I pick up the pieces and then something tragic happens again
Here I go again picking up pieces
I don’t want to break anymore
I want to be whole for once in my life
I want to stop thinking that this world would be better off without me in it