Suicidal thoughts

Sometimes I just want to give up
Just throw it in the towel and call it a day
I’m not a suicidal person
I would never take my own life
But I think about death a lot
Often I wonder what life would be without me
How my parents would go about their days with a constant void of missing a child
How my sister would feel about her baby sister leaving
How my husband would go about his life without the person he shares it with
How my friends would feel without me in it
Except I’m already not a part of anyone’s life but my husband
Life goes on
So I go back to my regular life
With my regular thoughts
Until I get sad again
Or in my case
Until I’m alone in thought
Sometimes I think about how great I would feel in eternal peace
I’m a religious person, so I believe in heaven and hell
I don’t believe I’ll be chilling with god up in the clouds once I’m gone
But I believe in something similar
I want to believe after life there’s eternal life
That I’ll be living my personal heaven with everything I’ve ever desired and then some
But I also believe in reincarnation
So I’ll probably come back a giraffe or something
We all need something to believe in I’ve learned
Still doesn’t stop the sadness within me
I still question everything everyday
I still wonder what it’ll be like if I never existed
I mean I almost didn’t
My mom didn’t want me
She had to keep me
She tried to abort me but she couldn’t
Her pregnancy was too far along when she found out she was having me
I never noticed how much all of this affected me
Maybe I’m just too sensitive
Maybe I just have a fucked up life
Or maybe I really am suicidal
I’m just not selfish
So I’d never take my life
I should’ve died in my accident
DUI manslaughter would have paid out real nice
I shouldn’t be here
I should be chillin as a giraffe
Or up in the clouds with god
I think life is a precious gift from above
My life is just really hard all the time
I break because of something tragic
I pick up the pieces and then something tragic happens again
Here I go again picking up pieces
I don’t want to break anymore
I want to be whole for once in my life
I want to stop thinking that this world would be better off without me in it

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Gift

I’m afraid. I don’t know what to expect. Maybe I just shouldn’t expect anything. Maybe I should just live in the moment, but i can’t. That’s not who I am. I overthink everything. Every decision , every action is planned for. & if it’s not, I still make a plan. I live in what ifs. What if tomorrow isn’t what I expected? What if tomorrow isn’t what I hoped? What I envisioned? Except tomorrow never ends. Tomorrow is the future. The future is time. If I’ve learned anything in twenty years of life it’s that time waits for no man. Also, tomorrow is never promised. I’m afraid. I’m afraid for my future. I’m afraid to get stuck in the present and never move forward. I’m afraid to move forward and stop living in the now. I’m afraid to not be successful. I’m afraid to let my loved ones down. I’m afraid to take risks again. I’m afraid of tomorrow. Most importantly, I’m afraid I’ll never find happiness. That’s my biggest fear, to not be happy. The future holds so much in store but what if happiness isn’t in my cards? & I know it’s ridiculous to imagine the universe isn’t working in my favor at any point, but according to Murphy’s law anything bad that can happen, will happen. And I live in what ifs remember? What if I never stop being afraid of tomorrow? I assume it’s okay to not be okay all the time. And fear is inevitable. I just hope it doesn’t consume me. Thatll take time. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift which is why it’s called the present. I can enjoy the present until I learn to live with mystery.